Surrounded by amazing people but yet somehow i can not help but feel alone

How strong can someone pretend to be? I've been pretending for way too long, I always try to be the strongest for everyone. Trying to be there for everyone, thinking that if the people around me are happy i would be too but oh how wrong was i. I trapped in this painful solitude. I swear I've tried my hardest to get out. 

 Its like i see can see the light at the end of this tunnel but i'm just too afraid to go into it. I don't know whats awaiting me there. I cant find the courage anymore. I used to be able to do it but right now its worst than ever. I can literally feel someone tearing heart out of my chest. 

I say it doesn't hurt anymore. But when reality hit me, it just hurt so much more. I cant continue going on like this. I feel myself going back to that state. Those memories used to help but not anymore. Nothing last forever right? 

You know what sucks the most? You looked me in the eyes like nothing ever happened. But you broke me and you will never know how much it actually affected me.

After a storm there will always be rainbow.

Hey there, things have been a little better from the talks i had from a really good friend and i guess i'm not feeling so bad about myself right now but hey, never speak too soon right? I really wonder what i've been doing with my life. Sitting at home all day using the computer, going out clubbing and partying. All these cheap thrills seem so fun at the start but right now i don't see any meaning in it anymore. I don't even know who i am now. What am i going to do with myself..

Hah okay enough about that, i guess i'll talk about someone I've kinda had mixed feelings for since last year? Its been so long since i've ever thought of having feelings about someone, but when it comes to you i have no idea how i feel. I don't know whether i'm in love with you or its just some long ass infatuation. All my thoughts about happy endings, somehow it always comes back to you. I finally understand why you've never wanted to put a status on our relationship, neither friend nor bestfriend. You're always someone that has been on my mind. Maybe not during the day but definitely before i go to bed. I don't know whether feelings are mutual but right now i really wish you were here. You're right, maybe if you were the one being with me the whole time i wouldn't have gotten hurt and go back into depression. What a terrible feeling, i know. I just want you to know that somehow you've got my heart and i don't know if i should carry on feeling this way. Okay not should, more like if i can. Nothing is ever gonna happen and i doubt anything will. Maybe i should forget it all right? Sigh oh well, I miss you and i wanna see you soon before you leave again.

Okay so time to talk about things going on in my life, my school is starting soon and i'm not sure if i'll be able to cope with the new modules and if i can get myself to study hard. So many distractions sigh. But I'll definitely try my best. On the bright side of things, I'm finally going to the gym again tomorrow. Been feeling shitty bout myself being so skinny, I actually love to exercise just that i'm a lazy ass. Oh right, i gotta be up at 1pm so i better head to bed right now. Time to get fit and turn over a new leaf. No more nonsense. A new guy i will be from now on.

Goodnight.

My second home, Solitude.

So hello everyone, its been what? 3 years since i've blogged. Many many things have changed and well the reason why im starting a blog is cause Maegan reminded me i had one. (Not very nice Maegan) I don't know what to really post right now so I'll just talk about how I've been feeling. Today, something happened. I know its not really much but it is kinda a big deal to me. Somehow I'm not sure how I can face this person anymore. I wonder what goes on in my head when I do the things I do. I'm definitely sure it isnt, "Hey this isnt right, dont do it." Its probably, "Hey this isnt right but whatever right?" Yeah that is definitely me. 

From my past I realized how much i've really come to grown over the years, however i doubt its enough. I still have a lot more growing up to do. To be honest, I thought my life was going great, I had lots of fun, really nice friends and really little problems. But then again i still find myself missing something. I realized its happiness i guess. No matter how much alcohol i drink or how high i get or how much fun i have in a night or even a week, at the very end, I wake up asking myself why do i still find no purpose or meaning in my life. Usually I would just push these feelings aside but lately its becoming worst. Throwing myself into solitude, pushing everyone away, thinking about doing things i know i shouldn't be doing and just wanting to end it all. 

I have no idea how to carry on. I don't see a future me smiling. I wish one day i can wake up with a smile on my face. Knowing my purpose in this world. Shall end it off here. Its 5:02am, I better head to bed. Goodnight.